One of the stories was about a guy who as a child was sexually abused by his karate teacher.
I feel like we hear about this more and more...and it really scares the death out of me.
I can't imagine someone doing that to my child or any child for that matter.
But how do we teach our child about this? I've already started telling Nolan that it's not ok for people to touch him in his private area and that he should always tell me if someone tries or if he feels uncomfortable. And for him to tell them "no." I want him to know he can tell me anything no matter what.
I know it might sound early, but I just can't let someone to take my child's innocence away.
I am no expert in this area, but from hearing most stories the predator always first tests the limit with the child to see if he/she says no. Then they push the boundaries further and further until usually the child is ashamed and won't tell anyone.
I know the days of coaches picking up our children for practices and alone time is one that is not as common as it once was. However I want to be sure I do everything in my power to prevent this from happening to my boys.
We are the protectors of their innocence, and we can not let them down.
How do you discuss this with your children? Any advice?
Natalie
We've talked about private areas being private and how they should tell us if anyone tries to touch them there.
ReplyDeleteOther than at school with their teachers, our kids aren't with adults without us. Haven't even done sleepovers(except once when our oldest stayed the night with his friend who is the son of my husband's best friend).
But I worry b/c I know I can't keep them in a bubble forever and they'll be out of my sight at some point.
I have a great little handout from my daughter's school last year. It's called "Knowing My Rules for Safety." I will tweet a pic to you! It is really, really simple and easy to understand.
ReplyDeleteI haven't..yet.
ReplyDeleteScarlet went to a summer camp called "Safety Village" and it talked about so many aspects of safety - fire safety, calling 9-1-1, etc. They did have a day on "bad touches" and "good touches." Or something like that. I know she gets it somewhat, and I also know she doesn't completely understand. And why should she? Why should anyone? However, they do need to know and I don't think it's too early. Her doctor talks to her about it every year at her physical.
I know I need to compound on what she's been taught already.
This is an excellent post. And such an important topic. I think you have to be very candid with your children and teach them from an early age about someone being inappropriate with them.-Ashley
ReplyDeleteI remember when I was in high school and a neighbor asked me to babysit. She had two little girls. When they introduced me to their daughters, one girl immediately said, "I have a vagina and my mommy told me NOBODY can touch it!" I was in shock, not something you hear from kids. Her parents were a little flustered and explained how they just recently taught their daughters about private parts and protecting themselves against predators. Later in life when I heard more and more about child abuse, I remembered that little girl and the look of strength in her face and I thought to myself, "When I have a child, I will teach my baby early on about private parts and protecting them." Better to be educated and to suffer a little embarrassment with someone new rather than suffer horrible abuse of innocence.
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart that we have to do this at all. I remember my mom reading us a story book when we were little. It had a little girl who told a bird about what happened to her. If I remember correctly it had a Christian aspect to it. I remember reading it and then using that as a way to start a conversation.
ReplyDeleteIt is really important to have this talk with our kids. They need to feel empowered to speak up! Unfortunately though I think these predators prey on those who they feel like they can get away with it with, so the more this is talked about with our kids, the more comfortable they will be with speaking out, saying no, and letting us know if someone does do something inappropriate. It makes me sad though that we have to worry about this.
ReplyDeleteThis world terrifies me. It's definitely important to have that conversation with the children, repeatedly.
ReplyDeleteI do the Protection Plan for our church - and we instruct our Teachers and Volunteers on how to conduct themselves (never be alone with a child EVER), and the signs to look for in an abuse situation. Obviously they all have backfround police security checks too. Every 2 years.
ReplyDeleteThat's the first step - instructing the people who are in position of authority with the children.
Step 2 is teaching the children. First, as everyone has already stated, about private parts and their right to protect them, and to say "no."
but that's not enough - you have to reinforce that message in a real life situation manner; or it's all for nothing.
Our children know that no adult is to come into the bathroom when they are in there. They can tell them to leave. Our adults know they must leave. Everyone reinforces this: if it is not followed - a report is done. On the spot.
Our children know that they absolutely do NOT have to hug, kiss, or shake hands with Old Mr. Smith for politeness sake, if they do not feel comfortable.
If you make them touch people when they don't want to -- that just teaches them they do Not actually have any say about their bodies.
I think that is the most critical point. Showing them that they do have that control, as well as creating an environment with as many safe guards as you possibly can.
when the children see me ask another adult to leave the bathroom because there are young children already in there -- the children see me stand up for their privacy. They know I am someone who supports their rights. That is the correct way to earn trust so that they will feel able to talk to me, should a situation arise.
Communication is key...never stop talking to the kids, always tell them you are there for them too no matter what. Explaining in an age appropriate manner and increasing the awareness as the kids get older is vital. Isn't it horrible that we even have to do this though? But I absolutely agree with you...we are their protectors.
ReplyDeleteoh man I am so with you!! So scary and yet so important to communicate with them! It breaks my heart that so many people have been sexually abused! We have got to find a way to stop it!
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't think you're starting too early! This is an area where you just don't take any chances. Not one. I don't like thinking about stuff like this, but it happens far too often to stick your head in the sand and pretend it can't happen to you!
ReplyDeleteI think having these conversations is important. I remember once when my son was very young and he was going to the doctor she needed to check his stomach real low close to his privates (I forget what they are checking for) It freaked him out a little because we'd discussed this and the doctor was so sweet to explain that it is okay for a doctor to check to make sure he's healthy down there and only if mom was there. I thought it was great of her to explain only if I was there too because you never know who might pretend to be a doctor.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is just to always have an open dialogue with your child about any and everything so that they know they can always come to you with anything.
It's very scary. And very real. It's so hard to protect them always. The most important thing is to talk about it - even at a very basic level - and to make sure they know to tell you about ANYTHING that makes them feel the teensiest bit uncomfortable...I unfortunately have had experience with this with my middle girl. I'll tweet you the link because I think most commenting systems think it's spam if I add a comment here. Parenting is so hard sometimes, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteTeach your children the proper names for their private body parts http://www.fromtracie.com/2010/06/say-it-with-mevagina.html often predators will try to make the sexual abuse into a "game," and by arming your child with the proper words, you will know something inappropriate may be going on if they come home using different words.
ReplyDeleteGive your children a voice, and support them when they say no http://www.fromtracie.com/2010/06/i-tell-my-kid-not-to-obey-adults.html I know it sounds counter-intuitive, encouraging no's (and obviously you are not going to just allow any "no" to stand), but you can show your child that his or her "no" should be respected, even by adults.
When you talk to your children, be honest. Tell them that you will always be on their side against any adult that hurt them. Warn them (in age appropriate ways) that people who hurt children also lie to them. And let them know that if someone touches you inappropriately, it is NEVER the child's fault, the child will NEVER get in trouble for telling an adult.
Secrets are bad. If anyone EVER asks you to keep a secret, tell your parents immediately. There is a difference between a surprise (we aren't telling mommy about the party until she walks in the door, or we won't tell daddy about his new tie until he opens the box on Christmas) and a secret (if you tell your mom and dad you will get in trouble, if anyone finds out something bad will happen).
Don't just focus on adults. Kids abuse other kids, too. Make sure not to just focus on someone touching the child inappropriately, but also talk about someone asking the child to touch them.
The biggest thing is to keep the conversation going. Not every day, but definitely every couple of months - even if it is just a short reminder. As your kids get older, you can share more.
Whew. This is the longest comment ever, but protecting children is something I'm passionate about. These were conversations my parents never had with me when I was a child, and I did not know how to reach out and ask for help when my uncle began sexually abusing me.
I read through your comments. YOu will have to share that pic about safety.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful for the advice given here! It's hard to know when to start talking about these things. We have recently tried not to push W to hard to give hugs, etc. We also try our best to avoid the word "secret" even within our family.
Girl, this parenting thing won't get any easier! And at the end of the day, we've got to cover these babies in prayer!
Oh man this is so scary! I've definitely had talks with Aiden about his private area being his private area and no one else should see/touch (except doctor's visits and I'm there..). I read through the comments too and we definitely to arm ourselves and our kids for those scary situations we may think won't happen to us. Ahh, the world is a scary place and parenting is a battle ground! I agree with Jenn, but not just at the end of the day, without ceasing, we must cover ourselves and our kiddos in prayer!
ReplyDeleteYes this is something sadly I wish we didn't have to discuss but we do. I read a book, safe Kids smart parents a while ago-- it is so good! Totally addresses this and even breaks it down by age with actually conversations you can have with your kids, highly recommend it. And wow, I was so far behind on your blog!!
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