Recently, I have had a friend from way back...we're talking elementary school here folks decide that her and I would not be friends due to these reasons:
- She has never gotten over the fact that I was in her wedding and she was not in mine.
- Our mutual friend and I stay in contact more because my our friend actually calls and texts me whereas this girl hasn't called me in ages.
- She thinks I avoid her when I am in our hometown.
So here's the truth of the matter. She got married earlier than I did. She stayed in our hometown. When I got married I had only 5 bridesmaids: 2 from high school, 2 from college, and 1 from my work. She and I hadn't really talked in awhile, not because of me but because she never made the effort. 5 bridesmaids is not a huge bridal party either...we kept it small. I also had people in the wedding from different times of my life and was close to each of them for different reasons. I have never begrudged one of my friends because I wasn't in one of their weddings. I feel like it is their choice (and probably less hassle and cheaper if I'm not in it) and they can choose whomever they want without hard feelings. But apparently, my old friend has really held this against me and not ever gotten over it.
Our mutual friend was in my wedding, and we are just naturally closer plus we stay in better contact. After I had Nolan, she came up to visit him. She also keeps in contact with me through texts, FB, or calls if she can find the time.
I have visited my hometown probably less than 5 times since Nolan was born. He's going to be two this October, so that's not a lot. When I am there, it is for a short time so I spend most of that time with my family visiting.
I always feel like I'm the friend that is the one that makes the effort...the one who keeps the friendship going. But as I get older, either you're in or you're out. I don't have as much time now, so any time I have is precious. So if you don't want to be part of it then that's fine. I'll move on and life will continue.
So there you have it this Monday morning, my friendship soapbox :)
Friendships should not be more work than your marriage. They should be pretty easy, actually, and based on the fact that you really just like hanging around each other, not that anyone feels obligated or keeps score of things.
ReplyDeleteSorry for taking up extra space on your soapbox. :)
I have a friend like this. We were best friends in high school but our lives have moved in separate directions. I admit, I am TERRIBLE at keeping in touch with people. But I always value the friend and feel like we were never apart when we get together.
ReplyDeleteRecently my friend contacted me to tell me "she knew we weren't really friends anymore". That was kind of a shocker to me. Sure, we hadn't seen each other in a while, but she was one of the first people I told about my first pregnancy after Cameron and my first miscarriage. I got in touch with her for the big things in my life. In my opinion, we're still friends and I still value her, even if I am not able to get in touch often.
So sorry that you have to go through this, Natalie. :( I think we've all been in situations like this... As MamaMash said, friendships should be fairly easy, and not about keeping score, or ANY kind of competition. And we should all be mature enough to understand that people grow and people change, and sometimes that makes it much harder to be friends than it should be... You can't force someone to care as much as you do, or as much as you think they should... That's not friendship. And each friendship does not fit into a particular "mold"... They are all very different. It's about respecting the kind of relationship you have with someone, even if you aren't the very BEST of friends. :( I hope your "former" friend can understand that one day...
ReplyDeleteI think that we can all relate to this one. It's a two way straight with friendship, and after a lot of effort, sometimes we just realize it's the people you talk to regularly that truly matter. :) Even if you haven't met them IRL!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, some people we still really like and will always think fondly of but life just moves us in different directions and there is nothing wrong with that and it doesn't put any less value on all of the memories of the friendship but life sometimes just changes things.
ReplyDeleteEither in or your out! Perfect way to describe friendship!
ReplyDeleteLately I've decided that if I'm the only one in for a while- then I'm out too!
No one should have to break their neck to stay in touch. It has to be mutual.
I wish I didn't know how you feel, but I do.
ReplyDeleteI've lost touch with a lot of sorority sisters because I am the only one who is married with a kid. I can't just drop out of sight from my family for five days and run off to Vegas or CA and they seem to resent that. It makes me sad.
Sending you huge hugs honey I know it sucks even when it's the right thing.
Some people are not worth the time it takes to be friends with them. It's sad but it is the truth.
ReplyDeleteI think you're taking the right stance here, but I know it's hard to see a friendship end. Thinking of you --
ReplyDeleteIt can be so hard when friendships end, no matter the reason. I have had to let go of a few friends this year because I, too, felt like I was the only one making the efforts. I have other people who love me and are invested so I don't want to waste time with people who don't make time for me.
ReplyDeleteYou know I've struggled with this too and I have something similar about the weddings--I was in her wedding and she wasn't in mine. And you know why she wasn't in mine? Because I did not have bridesmaids. I had a very small wedding. But she still held it against me. It really stinks when people don't see what you're going through or don't even bother to ask or try. This seems like too much work and emotional energy. You have to ask yourself if it's worth it. If not, it's time to move on.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sista!!!! I hear ya...I've taken the same approach...my life and time with my family is too valuable to be spent dealing with any sort of friendship drama or spending time away from my wonderful family with people that don't really care about me. It never ceases to amaze me the stuff people hold onto!!!!
ReplyDeleteAh friends. Or 'friends'. We've all had a friend like this, who've held some kind of long-seated grudge about a supposed slight.
ReplyDeleteLike you said, you're either in or out, and if you want in, mutual effort!
Plenty of fish in the sea. And then one day we realize turtles rule and chose to hang with them only.
ReplyDeleteA true friendship requires no explinations or apologies. People grow up and move on. It is sad to accept but true.
ReplyDeleteI am afraid I have been in your position too. However, I always seem to move on and develop even better relationships. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she needs to just get over it if she wants to be your friend. Also, she needs to make the effort!
ReplyDeleteWe've all had these friendships too. Mutual effort needs to be there otherwise it's best if the friendship just dissolves. I know it's hard, but remember that this is her loss. She's missing out on a great friend in you.
ReplyDeleteFriendships definitely changes as you get older. We all go in different directions and sometimes friendships get put on hold. In my life if they can't weather the intermissions then our friendship wasn't that sound to begin with.
ReplyDeleteHey Natalie!
ReplyDeleteSome friendships simply expire. Knowing someone way back then, things change, you both grow up and may not have as much in common nowadays except that you happened to be childhood friends. If it is such a hassle to her and the friendship is always shrouded in negativity, move on I say :)
Oh I know exactly what you are talking about! I am so over the friends that don't make an effort and then get an attitude over little things! I was just talking to Caleb about this last week and I was getting on my own little soap box! Life is just so busy you really find out who your real friends are!
ReplyDeleteI totally relate! I had a friend send me an email about a year ago that pretty much had the same tone. That friendship ended and life continued. She used to say she felt like every six months we had less and less in common. At the time we'd just had our son. I think she just felt like we couldn't relate anymore. But like your friend she decided to detail the times where she felt I'd failed her over the course of our nearly 10 year friendship. It was all bogus and made me not want to be in a friendship with someone who was keeping score. Dag! Your post just brought it all back! LOL! I guess what I'm saying is, you're certainly not alone... it happens. :)
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you. It is two ways and it just isn't that hard to stay in touch!
ReplyDeleteso sorry gal--i can totally relate to this situation too--and it's so tough. It definitely goes 2 ways:)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from! And that's exactly how I can "catch up" on some personal stuff is at work- hahaha! Hang in there- life has many seasons and people do come and go. It's bittersweet ya know? But you have friends you haven't seen in forever but you guys can pick up where you left off. I've for sure appreciated your loyalty in the blogworld! It means so much to us!
ReplyDeleteThis is frustrating! I know how you feel. I often feel like I'm the friend holding the friendship together. When it comes to that, if either party feels that way, it's normally a good indication that the friendship is over. It's always hard to let anyone go, but sometimes it's better.
ReplyDeleteOne of my resolutions this year was to detach myself from the friendships I didn't see going anywhere and using the extra time I had from giving those up to spend on the friendships I really treasure. It has made such a huge difference in how I feel. All of that pressure is gone. I hope you'll be able to figure out where this friend fits in. It'll make your life so much easier!
It's so hard when you've got to weed your friendship garden. Sometimes you grow-up and the other person doesn't.
ReplyDeleteThe best friends that you have are the ones that you pick-up conversations after months of not being able to see one another.